The Great Flaming Pig Incident

This week has been a rough one for my household and I've been up to my eyeballs with 'Mom' responsibilies (AKA first ear infection) so I thought I'd do something more personal and share an entertaining tidbit from my past. Well, I think it's entertaining. I'll let you be the judge.

I call this tale: The Great Flaming Pig Incident...

I believe I was a junior in high school when this took place. I hung out with a rather motley crew of young ladies: T was the smart one (brilliant when you get right down to it); J was the sweet one; A was the quiet one; A #2 was the outgoing one and I was the dramatic one. I think those are fair descriptions.

Anyway, the story goes something like this. J had just been dumped by this jerk (i feel no need to share his name, just know that he really doesn't deserve to be immortalized in a blog post) who'd been given the honor of taking her virginity. Now, I like to think that I knew my friends pretty well. At the time, hearing that one of our group had given up the grand prize was a little surprising because we just really didn't talk about that sort of thing. I (well, and A #2) was the most vocal about my 'sexual escapades' which at the time consisted of little more than heavy petting and flirtations with the idea of losing my virginity. But the year I finally joined the ranks of the hymenless, I only told girls outside of my closeknit circle of friends. Why I guarded that knowledge from my at the time BFFs, fuck if I know. So really, I can't say for sure who among as at this time was or was not 'untouched'.

But J let the cat out of the bag and was suddenly a woman in our eyes. This intense feeling of awe would have been much more enjoyable, however, if it had not been coupled with, "And then he dumped me!"

I don't know how many of you out there had seriously tight cliques of friends, not in the 'we're so popular, everyone knows the colors of our bras!' sort of way, but in the, 'We're so awesome that we shun all of the rest of YOU and we will ONLY talk to one another!' Guys, I'm here to tell you: do not piss off a girl who hangs out with one of THOSE groups.

We sympathized with J, asked her very cautiously for details (because that's what you do) and then began to come up with a hair-brained scheme for revenge. At the time, we thought we were so cool. Looking back, man...

A #2 simply wanted to cut off his balls. This, of course, had logistical problems.
I thought it would be clever to buy some lobsters and put them into the guy's pool. This was a popular idea until T, the only one among us who was capable of using her brain while coming up with revenge scenarios, quickly reminded us that lobsters can only survive in salt water. This would mean all we would wind up with was a pool filled with dead crustaceans. While that might be disturbing, it would not give us the desired result of a lobster pincing off the jerk's dick.

I can't remember how we came up with the decision to set fire to a pig in the guy's front yard. I think J had been reminiscing about this plastic pig toy that the guy had won her at a fair or something and we asked to see it. It was a pitiful looking little thing, plastic and covered with a furry pink skin. I don't know who came up with the idea or why but next thing we knew, someone had a knife and skinned the pink plastic pig.

On the drive over to his house, (before the cover of nightfall, i might add) we really thought this was going to work. We would set fire to the furry skin and throw it into the guy's yard.

First problem: the pig skin was made of antiflammible materials and we didn't think to soak it in lighter fluid or anything like that.

Second problem: though we didn't realize that the pig skin had immediately extinguished itself as we drove off like bats out of hell, one of us began to feel guilty about potentially setting fire to this guy's yard, which could mean that we might inadvertantly set fire to his family's home.

Third problem (and possibly the stupidest): we decided to CALL his house and tell whoever answered anonymously that their yard was on fire. Here's how that conversation went:

Random person answering the phone: Hello?
Me: Your yard is on fire
R.P.: What?
Me: Your yard is on fire!
R.P.: It is? (it probably wasn't)
Me: Yep
R.P.: Who is this?
Me: A concerned party
R.P.: But who is this?
Me: Um, it's an anonymous tip.
R.P.: How did you get this number?
Me: Um......

We quickly hung up the phone. Why we didn't think of that in the first place, I'll never know. How would a stranger driving by just know the telephone number of a random house that's yard may or may not have been on fire. We drove home after that, convinced we were going to be found out, convinced that the yard and house had gone up in flames and absolutely certain that the police were going to find the remains of the flaming pig skin and come find us.

Of course no one came looking for us. And the yard didn't catch fire. Most likely whoever answered the phone went out into their front yard, found a slightly singed furry skin and brought it into the house. They probably showed it to J's ex and he immediately knew what it was and who had left it there.

It was quite possibly the weakest attempt at revenge ever put into action. At least I can look back on it and laugh.