I think I may be going through some sort of identity crisis.
While this has nothing to do with my ability to be a successful blogger, it does mean that I haven't a clue how to begin.
I'm very blessed in life, I know that. I have a gorgeous 19 month old daughter who makes me laugh, cry, smile, dance, sing, want to be a better person. I have been lucky enough to have spent over 13 years with a man who knows me better than I know myself.
I have a wonderful mother and brother. But they are over 600 miles away. Here, in Oklahoma, aside from the family that I share a roof with, I am very much alone. That is more a situation of my own making than anything else.
See, I don't know how to make friends. And apparently, I'm incapable of keeping them. This is nothing new. I've been a mess of social awkwardness and anxiety since birth. Growing up, I rarely interacted with anyone outside my family until I began school. And once I got there, I didn't know what to do. I went through years of bullying for my petite size, my family, my clothes, you name it. I was an easy target, too. I didn't know how to laugh things off, or just ignore them. I have always defended myself as though to the death because no one else was going to do it for me. I don't know if that's the product of poor home life or if numerous other experiences caused it. But it's still my mechanism: defend, defend, defend.
As so many in my life have put it, I don't know how to "play the game". And that is exactly right. As much as I don't want to admit it because I shun all things fake, so much of life is a game. A game of lies, a game of pandering, a game of misdirection. I don't play it because I don't want to. I believe in honesty. Unfortunately, so few others are with me on that. They play the game I was never taught to play. And I don't play.
See what I meant about not know how to blog?
What I want now:
--A new job with better pay
-- My daughter to be a less picky eater
-- Understanding from so many
-- To become the woman that's released whenever I apply my Darling Clandestine perfume oil. I want to always be her.
-- To be the kind of person who is missed, not the kind who is forgotten. Maybe I should have worn the perfume oil listed above long ago
-- To find happiness in simpler things. Happiness is not guaranteed. We have to make our own way. I know this. I just have to find a way to apply that knowledge.
