150 Story Challenge: "It wasn't supposed to happen this way."

It wasn't supposed to happen this way, I thought as the blood from the Second Life agent pooled

around my feet. She had arrived to collect me, the assignment concluded. I had been assigned to the

Alpha group to test the success of the program, one of seven criminals sent back into our past to see if

we would repeat our mistakes. Of course we wouldn't; why would we? We knew we would be caught

and we knew how it would happen. So I hadn't murdered Jim, my now former drug dealer a second

time.

                Unfortunately, once the assignment ended, this would not matter. I would be returned to the

future, to my former life… to my cell. I couldn't let that happen. The agent’s communicator beeped

again, an alert. More agents were coming. They pounded on the door and I opened it, prepared.

“Your Program is flawed,” I stated.

*This was a challenge given to a group of people on Facebook by my dear friend, Amber. It's an idea I have been kicking around in my head for about 3 years now. This is must the mini-mini version of the original short story I had in mind. Forgive the lack of detail-- what can one honestly expect from 150 words, lol?

*As has been stated previously, you steal it, I hurt you. 

I Don't Know How To Blog... or...

I think I may be going through some sort of identity crisis.

While this has nothing to do with my ability to be a successful blogger, it does mean that I haven't a clue how to begin.

I'm very blessed in life, I know that. I have a gorgeous 19 month old daughter who makes me laugh, cry, smile, dance, sing, want to be a better person. I have been lucky enough to have spent over 13 years with a man who knows me better than I know myself.
I have a wonderful mother and brother. But they are over 600 miles away. Here, in Oklahoma, aside from the family that I share a roof with, I am very much alone. That is more a situation of my own making than anything else.

See, I don't know how to make friends. And apparently, I'm incapable of keeping them. This is nothing new. I've been a mess of social awkwardness and anxiety since birth. Growing up, I rarely interacted with anyone outside my family until I began school. And once I got there, I didn't know what to do. I went through years of bullying for my petite size, my family, my clothes, you name it. I was an easy target, too. I didn't know how to laugh things off, or just ignore them. I have always defended myself as though to the death because no one else was going to do it for me. I don't know if that's the product of poor home life or if numerous other experiences caused it. But it's still my mechanism: defend, defend, defend.

As so many in my life have put it, I don't know how to "play the game". And that is exactly right. As much as I don't want to admit it because I shun all things fake, so much of life is a game. A game of lies, a game of pandering, a game of misdirection. I don't play it because I don't want to. I believe in honesty. Unfortunately, so few others are with me on that. They play the game I was never taught to play. And I don't play.

See what I meant about not know how to blog?

What I want now:
--A new job with better pay
-- My daughter to be a less picky eater
-- Understanding from so many
-- To become the woman that's released whenever I apply my Darling Clandestine perfume oil. I want to always be her.
-- To be the kind of person who is missed, not the kind who is forgotten. Maybe I should have worn the perfume oil listed above long ago
-- To find happiness in simpler things. Happiness is not guaranteed. We have to make our own way. I know this. I just have to find a way to apply that knowledge.

Radioactive spiders, crawling and military ambitions

My ten month old daughter decided this Monday that it was finally time for her to begin crawling. She has been implementing a very lazy form of what is called the ‘commando crawl’ for about a month and a half now but it rarely took her very far, often just in circles around the playmat. I say ‘lazy form’ because the commando crawl usually involves the baby using both arms to propel themselves forward while they drag their tummies and sometimes their legs along behind them. Ash’s version involved mainly using her left arm to reach for something just outside her immediate vicinity and the rest of her just kind of came along after that arm. Her right side almost never went into motion, leading me to have a brief meltdown where I was convinced that there was something wrong with her neurologically. Once the pediatrician talked me down and told me that my baby was most likely just going to skip crawling in favor or pulling up and walking, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. *Phew!*

Ash still prefers the commando crawl, which always makes me think, “CHARLIE! UP IN THE TREES! TAKE COVER!” , but she has demonstrated that she CAN actually push up onto her hands and knees and shakily move forward before collapsing back onto her belly because it’s obviously easier for her.

But now that she has figured out that she CAN crawl normally, her speed has kicked in. Whereas before she would only scoot around the playmat and/or wiggle around the living room floor, now she is clearing full rooms with a hardcore sense of determination. She knows I don’t want her going into the kitchen. So where does she try to go? Into the kitchen every chance she gets. She pauses, turns her head over her shoulder and shoots me this sneaky grin and you can almost here a whistle blow before she takes off.

And she’s off!

And she wants to be chased and captured, taken back to the playmat or her room just so she can start the process all over again.

One thing I can say about all this, crawling has made her very happy. For the last few weeks, this child has thrown more temper tantrums than I would have thought possible. Before she hit 9 months old, she was often very content to sit and play with her toys or observe her surroundings and it was never a problem. But once she hit that 9 month mark, it was like something clicked in her brain that said, “Nope, this isn’t cutting it. I should be doing something. I should be doing something!” The only thing that contented her at times was lifting her up and letting her plant her feet and bounce while you held her. She was very proud of herself whenever she was standing (supported, of course) but even that got old.

She began crawling in her sleep. We would go into her room to check on her and find that she was either all the way pushed up and devastated because she clearly didn’t know what to do next or find that her knees were planted, her butt was pushed up into the air but the rest of her was flat and snoozing away. If we tried to help her lay flat, she would wake up immediately and become furious. We didn’t realize that she was in the process of figuring something out—she just didn’t know how to make use of that knowledge.

But now she is on the move and crawl is just about all she wants to do. That and bang doors into walls which she finds most amusing. But she’s happier so that makes me happy. Even if it means that every five minutes or so I am rushing to pull her out of the kitchen, bathroom, away from the computer, the Xbox (the green light is like a magnet to her), the cat (who has begun praying for his life this week), etc.

It has become clear that this kid is going to do everything at her own pace and she cannot be swayed by anything other than her own will.

I remember 5 months ago when my friend’s baby (same age as Ash) began crawling and I looked at my baby and wondered if there was something I needed to be worried about. I’ll be the first to say that I think my kid is brilliant—when she looks at something, she studies it with an intensity that suggests she isn’t just looking at it, she’s figuring out how it works. I’m sorry, that’s just freaking smart in my eyes. And she’s been that way since she was about 3 months old. She studies people, landmarks, objects and she understands the way things work. She’ll take the Xbox controller into her tiny hands, push a few buttons and then look up at the television to see if anything has changed. She gets it.

So when my friend’s baby began hitting all these physical milestones so early, I kind of went, ‘hmm.’ Was I doing something wrong? Not working with Ash enough? Not helping her developmentally?

After a while, I remembered that my friend is a chemist. And I decided that most likely, she had injected her baby with some sort of super spider venom that was gradually turning her into Spider-baby. And then I began to feel better. Because, let’s face it: You can yell, “MUSH!” at your baby all you want but she ain’t gonna propel herself forward unless she’s damn good and ready. 

The Great Flaming Pig Incident

This week has been a rough one for my household and I've been up to my eyeballs with 'Mom' responsibilies (AKA first ear infection) so I thought I'd do something more personal and share an entertaining tidbit from my past. Well, I think it's entertaining. I'll let you be the judge.

I call this tale: The Great Flaming Pig Incident...

I believe I was a junior in high school when this took place. I hung out with a rather motley crew of young ladies: T was the smart one (brilliant when you get right down to it); J was the sweet one; A was the quiet one; A #2 was the outgoing one and I was the dramatic one. I think those are fair descriptions.

Anyway, the story goes something like this. J had just been dumped by this jerk (i feel no need to share his name, just know that he really doesn't deserve to be immortalized in a blog post) who'd been given the honor of taking her virginity. Now, I like to think that I knew my friends pretty well. At the time, hearing that one of our group had given up the grand prize was a little surprising because we just really didn't talk about that sort of thing. I (well, and A #2) was the most vocal about my 'sexual escapades' which at the time consisted of little more than heavy petting and flirtations with the idea of losing my virginity. But the year I finally joined the ranks of the hymenless, I only told girls outside of my closeknit circle of friends. Why I guarded that knowledge from my at the time BFFs, fuck if I know. So really, I can't say for sure who among as at this time was or was not 'untouched'.

But J let the cat out of the bag and was suddenly a woman in our eyes. This intense feeling of awe would have been much more enjoyable, however, if it had not been coupled with, "And then he dumped me!"

I don't know how many of you out there had seriously tight cliques of friends, not in the 'we're so popular, everyone knows the colors of our bras!' sort of way, but in the, 'We're so awesome that we shun all of the rest of YOU and we will ONLY talk to one another!' Guys, I'm here to tell you: do not piss off a girl who hangs out with one of THOSE groups.

We sympathized with J, asked her very cautiously for details (because that's what you do) and then began to come up with a hair-brained scheme for revenge. At the time, we thought we were so cool. Looking back, man...

A #2 simply wanted to cut off his balls. This, of course, had logistical problems.
I thought it would be clever to buy some lobsters and put them into the guy's pool. This was a popular idea until T, the only one among us who was capable of using her brain while coming up with revenge scenarios, quickly reminded us that lobsters can only survive in salt water. This would mean all we would wind up with was a pool filled with dead crustaceans. While that might be disturbing, it would not give us the desired result of a lobster pincing off the jerk's dick.

I can't remember how we came up with the decision to set fire to a pig in the guy's front yard. I think J had been reminiscing about this plastic pig toy that the guy had won her at a fair or something and we asked to see it. It was a pitiful looking little thing, plastic and covered with a furry pink skin. I don't know who came up with the idea or why but next thing we knew, someone had a knife and skinned the pink plastic pig.

On the drive over to his house, (before the cover of nightfall, i might add) we really thought this was going to work. We would set fire to the furry skin and throw it into the guy's yard.

First problem: the pig skin was made of antiflammible materials and we didn't think to soak it in lighter fluid or anything like that.

Second problem: though we didn't realize that the pig skin had immediately extinguished itself as we drove off like bats out of hell, one of us began to feel guilty about potentially setting fire to this guy's yard, which could mean that we might inadvertantly set fire to his family's home.

Third problem (and possibly the stupidest): we decided to CALL his house and tell whoever answered anonymously that their yard was on fire. Here's how that conversation went:

Random person answering the phone: Hello?
Me: Your yard is on fire
R.P.: What?
Me: Your yard is on fire!
R.P.: It is? (it probably wasn't)
Me: Yep
R.P.: Who is this?
Me: A concerned party
R.P.: But who is this?
Me: Um, it's an anonymous tip.
R.P.: How did you get this number?
Me: Um......

We quickly hung up the phone. Why we didn't think of that in the first place, I'll never know. How would a stranger driving by just know the telephone number of a random house that's yard may or may not have been on fire. We drove home after that, convinced we were going to be found out, convinced that the yard and house had gone up in flames and absolutely certain that the police were going to find the remains of the flaming pig skin and come find us.

Of course no one came looking for us. And the yard didn't catch fire. Most likely whoever answered the phone went out into their front yard, found a slightly singed furry skin and brought it into the house. They probably showed it to J's ex and he immediately knew what it was and who had left it there.

It was quite possibly the weakest attempt at revenge ever put into action. At least I can look back on it and laugh.

November Blues or Why I Have a Personal Vendetta Against Stephenie Meyer

I adore Fall. There is something about that sudden drop in temperature after months of intense heat, the falling of multicolored leaves and just the general feeling of the season that does something to me. Fall always makes me feel very nostalgic for years past and I am often overwhelmed by memories involving late night gatherings and the backseat of my husband’s old Focus hatchback.

Two years ago, something occurred in my life that has since ruined that beautiful nostalgia: the Twilight series came into my life, forever (man, I hope that’s not actually the case) bastardizing the glorious season for me.

In my defense, when I first began my one-sided affair with Edward Cullen, it was a pretty low point in my life. I had graduated from college earlier that year and it had taken me about four months to find a job. About 3 months into the job, it suddenly occurred to me that I was working in a job where I was definitely underpaid, that had nothing to do with my English degree and because the economy was in the shitter, there was no bright spot on the horizon for me. For some reason, this hit me very hard and I fell into a pretty nasty depression. I really wanted something to give my life meaning. Thus, when I stumbled upon Meyer’s epic series, I was primed and ready to be brainwashed, or to stumble into a highly destructive relationship.

Forgive me if this reads a little bit like a Mastercard commercial.

My affair with Edward Cullen nearly began a year earlier in 2007. At the time, I was working at the university in the testing center and my employer asked if I needed anything from Wal-Mart. I had seen Twilight there sometime earlier so I asked her to grab me a copy. She returned a little while later and told me she’d had no luck locating the book I’d described: white hands holding a red apple. They must have been sold out. I would compare this to passing a handsome stranger in the hallway, turning your head back over your shoulder for one last glance before continuing on your way. Nothing more than a chance encounter that you ponder from time to time, wondering what might have been.

Twilight: first impression

In late October 2008, a credit opened up on my Audible account. I had seen the preview for the Twilight movie that was to open in late November so I thought I’d grab the audio book. But when I went to get it, I found this note: Due to popularity, this audio book will cost two credits. Now anyone who has purchased through Audible as religiously as I have knows how unusual this is. I’ve seen books that are clocking in a 45 hours and they still only cost you one credit. My first thought was, “Screw Twilight! What a greedy bitch!” I logged out of Audible and went on about my business.

The next day, strangely enough, I received a message from Audible, thanking me for being such a valued customer and offered me a $25 credit on my account. Well, what do you know? The full purchase cost of Twilight just happened to be $24.97. SWEET! I downloaded Twilight with the $25 credit, used my monthly credit on something else and felt like I had hit the jackpot. Little did it know.

It was probably a week or two later before I actually began listening to Twilight. At first, I was nonplussed by the narration, the over the top vocabulary (you know how it is, you can just TELL when someone is trying too hard to sound really smart). But then Edward was introduced and I was hooked. I listened to the audio book at least three times that week, getting more and more attached with each run through.

Final thoughts after reading Twilight: “Best love story since Romeo and Juliet!”

Final cost for Twilight: $0 until I went back and purchased a paperback copy for $9

New Moon: first impression

I immediately turned around and ordered a paperback copy of New Moon off Amazon. But it took its sweet time getting here and I was impatient for more Bella/Edward drama. So I wound up going to Wal-mart and purchased a new copy of it and brought it home with me. I sent my Amazon copy to my cousin Rachel when it arrived. Once again, I was hooked. The pages of my copy of New Moon were spattered with tears as I read through the pages of Edward’s and Bella’s breakup. I was sobbing so hysterically that my husband became concerned and asked me what was wrong.

“It’s…just…so…well…written!” was all I could sputter. It was pathetic.

I was convinced that Meyer had written something so poignant, so heartfelt, so wonderfully in touch with youth that it would actually help young girls deal with heartache. During the reading, I spouted off statements such as: “This has one of the most complex internal conflicts I’ve ever encountered!” Honestly.

I wanted nothing more than for Edward to return and for Jacob, that interloper, to disappear. I was never so happy than the moment that Edward and Bella reunited.

Final thoughts after reading New Moon: Hell, I don’t remember. I was just ready for Eclipse!

Final cost: 2 copies of the paperback for $18; $28.46 for the audio book copy purchased later=$46.46

Eclipse: first impression

ZOMG, the story is finally getting sexy! Meyer gave us a split second where it appeared that Bella and Edward might get it on. But… no. No, she has to remind us that Edward is a Christian Vampire who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. And seriously, how many of us would want to spend an immortal existence having meaningless sex with as many unsuspecting humans as possible? Anyone? Of course not. (If my sarcasm escapes you, all I can say is, “what the hell is wrong with you?”)

So, no prewedding nooky for Bella. If she wants Edward’s marble member, she’ll have to marry his sparkly ass.

Really, I still have a soft spot for Eclipse in spite of all the issues I have with the content of the entire series. But it did annoy me that Bella was ‘torn’ between Edward and Jacob. No, she wasn’t. That’s just cramming a love triangle down the reader’s throat even though it’s not necessary. Bella never actually wanted Jacob. She was just being selfish, wanting to have her Vamp and eat Wolf too. Seriously, there was never a contest.

My main issue with Eclipse was the LACK of an epic battle at the end. Meyer showed her weakness as a writer by being too afraid to do more than give us Edward’s play by play. Absolutely stupid.

Final Thoughts after reading Eclipse: Hey, the movie is about to come out! Are these two really getting married at 17 and 18?

Final Cost: 1 copy of Eclipse Hardback edition: $13.00; $29.96 for the Audio book =$42.96

Twilight: The Movie

I knew that tickets were going to be sold out so I purchased two in advance from Fandago, one for myself and one for my husband. Yes, I dragged my husband along with me. The cost for two tickets was around $18.00.

This is where my Twilight addiction became expensive. On November 21^st, I left work a teensy bit early so that I could get home, get a shower and doll myself up to go to the opening of the movie. The road I take to get to and from work everyday is a little back highway that merges back into a residential area once you get within city limits. Outside of city limits, that miles per hour is 55 (whoo-hoo!) but as you approach the city, it drops down to 45 mph and then 40.

I was so hopped up on anticipation that I completely forgot about those little details. By the time I reached the 40 mph sigh, I was still zooming through at 55. I saw the cop immediately and knew that I was screwed. He flashed his lights and I pulled over without hesitation, hoping that I could somehow give off the impression that I WASN’T a law breaker.

Of course, my first question was, “Did I do something wrong, officer?” He almost laughed. Oh yeah, I had definitely done something wrong. He ran me through how fast I was going, what the speed limit was, that he COULD write me up for reckless driving. OH SHIT.

I suppose I could have pleaded my case but honestly, rushing home so that I could get a shower before going to see Twilight sounded pathetic to me even then. I really couldn’t imagine the officer being sympathetic. It is always possible that he would have found me to be so incredibly juvenile and ridiculous that he would have laughed and walked away. But it didn’t seem likely. He gave me my ticket, politely marking down that I had only been 10 miles over the speed limit instead of 15. I asked him how much it was going to cost me. “I wrote it on the back,” he replied before nodding his head and walking away. When I flipped the ticket over, I nearly had a heart attack.

$185. Kind of put a damper on the whole rest of the evening. I drove home, cried to my husband who laughed after I told him the story. “There was no way in hell you were getting out of that one!” I got my shower, got dolled up albeit without the same sort of enthusiasm that I had expected.

We went to the 9 o’clock showing and found the theater filled with overzealous tweens who screamed and squealed and felt the need to announce the names of each character as they appeared on screen. Why that was necessary, I’ll never know. My husband was more amused by the kids than the movie.

Final thoughts after seeing the Twilight movie: I tried really hard to not dislike it. I tried REALLY hard. But it was horrible. The acting was pathetic, the adaptation was atrocious, the special effects were… well, they were almost too lame to refer to them as special effects unless you are using Special to imply mentally challenged. I even went to see it a second time to be absolutely sure that it sucked. Yeah, it sucked.

Final cost of the Twilight movie: 3 tickets at $9 a piece=$27; $185 for the speeding ticket=$212

Twilight merchandise

When a person has an addiction, it often leads to other minor related addictions. I was no different. Not only did I need the paperback copies of the books as well as the audio versions of the books, I also needed stuff. Twilight stuff. And Hot Topic was more than willing to supply me with stuff.

Twilight T-shirt: $18

Twilight Key-chain: $4.99

But I couldn’t stop there. On eBay, I found a woman making handcrafted Twilight inspired jewelry! SQUEE!

Twilight necklace with ‘genuine’ Swarovski crystals (yeah right): $12.00

Twilight charm bracelet, again with ‘genuine’ Swarovski crystals: $10.00

And because Christmas was coming up, I purchased two more of the bracelets and gave them to my cousins, who, because I had insisted they do so, were already reading the books as well. Thankfully, one of them made it out unscathed. 

For Christmas that year, I also received another Twilight t-shirt and a Twilight hoodie but, because I didn’t pay for them myself, I won’t include those amounts.

Final amount for Twilight Stuff: $64.99 (it could have been so much worse!)

Breaking Dawn: First impression

This will take some time because there are reasons why Breaking Dawn broke me.

Breaking Dawn cured me of my Twilight obsession. If you call it an addiction, Breaking Dawn was my AA. I don’t understand what happened here. Meyer obviously wanted to wrap everything up into a neat little package and give each and every one of her characters exactly what they wanted because they were all such deserving individuals. What kills me about this is that Meyer isn’t just some stay-at-home-mom, even though she gives that label top billing on her website. She actually has a degree in English Literature. And these were books marketed towards young adults—they can handle a little death, a little tragedy! Hell, JK Rowling killed off Sirius Black, Dumbledore, Hedwig, Fred Weasley and an endless list of other lovable characters and those were children’s books!

To give everyone a perfectly happy ending is just lame. Bella should have eaten Charlie. Edward should have killed Jacob. Rosalie should have been decapitated during rough sex with Emmett. Alice should have run off and joined the circus, leaving Jasper behind to pine for her before coming to his senses and admitting his closeted homosexuality. He and Mike could have paired off.

But no. Bella marries Edward. They ride off into the sunset together. They go off on a fabulously unbelievable honeymoon where they will FINALLY have sex. It’s all good and legal now, pen to paper, creator God satisfied. They will consummate. But do we get to witness it? Of course not. Edward and Bella hold hands together out in the ocean and then flash forward to Bella bruised, bloodied and yet, somehow, sated.

Now, as a person who fancies herself a writer, I can easily come up with some awesome ideas for hot and steamy vamp porn that would apply quite nicely here. But I lost interest. Sorry.

Edward is ashamed of himself and his penance involves not sleeping with Bella again even though she begs for it. Finally, Bella attempts to get her sexy on and manages to talk him into it. This union results in the most asinine occurrence: Bella becomes pregnant with a vampire baby.

WHAT?

Moving on. Edward wants the baby aborted; Bella wants to have it because at some point during Eclipse, she realized she wanted kids, the only drawback of becoming a vampire; Rosalie becomes Bella’s guard. Edward appeals to Jacob, asking him to talk Bella into an abortion and then offer to impregnate her himself. Again: WHAT?

But Bella goes through with this ultra violent pregnancy and gives birth to the world’s first vampire-human hybrid child with weird psychic-touch abilities. Or so we think!

Finally, Bella becomes a vampire and by some weird twist of fate, she’s the only new vampire ever created who is not intensely drawn to feed on humans. HOW CONVENIENT!

Jacob falls in love with the baby vamp… yes, I will repeat that: the Werewolf falls in love with a baby.

One more time because this is so important: THE WEREWOLF FALLS IN LOVE WITH A BABY!

Suddenly, he’s no longer obsessed with Bella (why he was in the first place remains a mystery to me) and he’s happy and in love with this baby who will EVENTUALLY grow up and love him because nature dictates it or something. Or because this is a Mormon fairy tale and whether she really loves him or not, she’ll someday LEARN to love him.

I’m not going any further with this. Just know that everyone is happy and in love and surrounded by rainbow sparkles and good smells.

Final thoughts on Breaking Dawn: WTF, man?

Final amount on Breaking Dawn: Hardback edition: $13.00; $31.50 for the audio book= $44.50

The grand total amount spent on my entire Twilight experience---$419.91 (this does not include tax)

Now, I understand as a recovering addict that I can blame no one but myself for what this addiction cost me. I have made amends with those I harmed during my battle with Twilight. I have prayed to a higher power to deliver me from said addiction (no, I’m totally joking at this point). But I can’t shake the feeling that Meyer owes me money.

It was greediness on her part and on the part of her publisher that made her books so damned expensive on Audible. I mean, 2 credits per book? How arrogant!

It was the buildup she supplied in each and every book that made it impossible for me to not need my next fix.

It was the awesome preview that made me sit through that god-awful movie two times in the theater.

It was these lovable characters with their hidden agendas that kept pulling me back.

And then for her to fail so effortlessly with the finale? It’s like expecting an orgasm, waiting for it, it’s right around the corner and then your partner suddenly gets lazy or climaxes before you do and falls asleep. I think that’s a very fitting description for the entire Twilight series.

I’m still waiting for some enjoyment, Meyer. You owe me at least that. 

There is something in my eggroll that is destroying my spirit...

I think it might be cabbage.

That pesky Similac problem...

Many of you, I'm sure by now, have heard about the massive Similac recall that has occurred. Similac has predicted a return cost of $1 million. Other sites (and ones not so eager to downplay the magnitude of this incident) have predicted that the recall affects as many as 5 million cans of formula. Lets do the math here: 5 million cans (now, granted, not all of them have been purchased by consumers and vendors most certainly do pay less than all of us hardworking moms out here in the world) but for the sake of this, lets just say $21 a pop for Similac (Wal-Mart prices for all but the specialty types) x 5 million cans comes to a grand total of $105,000,000 (give or take). Um, hello Similac??? Just $1 million? Your accountants are as uninformed as your pest control people.


I didn't intend to open my blog up this way but as a mom whose daughter has been on Similac formulas since she was about 8 weeks old, this has really weighed on me. Allow me to run my experience by you.


I gave birth to what they call a 'Breast rejector'. In other words, my daughter came out of the womb absolutely opposed to breast feeding. I know it sounds crazy and I probably wouldn't have believed it myself if my lactation coach hadn't told me this. But that's what we're dealing with here. She fought against the breast, kicking, punching, twisting away, pulling, etc. She also had severe problems latching on which meant that she had almost zero patience with the whole situation. I worked with a lactation coach off and on again for 2 weeks before it became absolutely clear that this was not going to work. At first the plan was to just supplement with formula but because Ash had never made an honest effort at breast feeding, my milk just never fully came in. And after 3 weeks of diligent attempts at pumping, it simply went away. The coach recommended that I try taking the drug Reglan but that drug has been blacklisted by the FDA so I said, 'No f-ing way'. 


So we did formula. It wasn't what I wanted, I'm not totally proud of it, but my daughter had to eat and I couldn't supply milk for her. The first formula she had was Similac, a sample that had come in the mail before Ash was born. But we'd heard that Enfamil Premium was the best out there so we switched her to that. A week and massive vomiting-like spit ups later, we were told Ash needed to be on Soy. We switched her to Similac Soy, then later to Enfamil Soy. Then, after another round of vomiting-like spit ups, it became clear that she had an Enfamil problem, not a milk problem. So back to Similac we went. When she was 5 months old, our pediatrician helped us get her off soy and back onto the milk-based Similac Sensitive, which she was on up until this recall. 


-On September 16th, Ash came home from daycare with the beginnings of a fever. She was happy and playful and eating fairly well so we assumed she was teething. Sure enough, the outline of 4 teeth could be seen in her gumline. 
-On September 17th, the fever was much worse and the screaming began. The pediatrician felt confident that this was all related to teething and told me to monitor the fever. 
-On September 18th, the fever broke but the screaming continued unabated.
-On September 19th, she began to calm down, we believed because of all our efforts at soothing her little enflamed gums. She began fighting her bottles.
-On September 20th, we took her to the pediatrician. Yes, she was cutting 4 teeth at once but she also had a viral infection in her throat. We were told to give her a lidocaine mixture to sooth her throat. 
-On September 21st, the diarrhea began. We believed it was caused by the suggested Motrin/Tylenol regimen plus the Lidocaine mix.
-On September 22nd, the mild diarrhea continued but we had one smiling and happy baby. It was about this time that she began seriously fighting against her bottles, more so than before. I did not help matters by trying to get her to finish them even though she clearly did not want them. My only excuse is that I know how much she eats when she is normal and hungry so I did not understand this not eating thing of hers. 
-On September 23rd, I found out via my friend Sherry about the Similac recall. At first I believed that it was a recall on her specific kind of Similac since her daughter is on a specialty mix. That morning, Ashlyn choked on her bottle and threw up/spit up a huge amount all over both of us. I cleaned her up and later that morning, gave her another 3 ounces. She immediately made a poopy diaper but did keep the bottle down. I truly believed this was all still related to the medicine she was on as she had no fever and did not seem distressed. As soon as I got to work, my mother-in-law had emailed me a link to the full Similac recall and I began to panic. I called Ash's daycare and told them to set aside her formula, that I would be bringing her something else. I called Ash's pediatrician and asked what they knew about it. I found out the lot numbers on her cans and prepared to find out if they were affected. 


Here's the problem: the Similac website was so overloaded with other worried moms trying to find out if THEIR babies cans were affected that the website all but shut down every time I clicked on the link. The pediatrician called me back and informed me that Similac was not giving out a list of all the affected lot numbers because the list was SO massive. They told me to treat her can like it was, switch her to a different formula brand and give her some Pedialyte. 


At about 2 o'clock that afternoon, I was finally able to get into the site and yes, both of Ash's cans were affected. Duh. She had all the side effects: not wanting to eat, gastrointestinal discomfort and trouble. 
A 3 o'clock, her daycare called and said that Ash had thrown up every bottle they had tried to give her. Like me, at first they thought she had gotten choked on the formula. But by the 2nd bottle, they knew something else was going on. I brought her home and called the doctor again. They told me to give her nothing but Pedialyte for 24 hours and watch and see. She had no fever, she was still smiley and happy and did not act sick in the slightest. We started giving her the Pedialyte and she had no trouble keeping it down. 
24 hours later, we switched her over the the Gerber formula and she gulped it down greedily and kept it down, thank God! 


So that was what we went through because of the Similac formula. I returned all my opened cans of Similac to Wal-Mart for a full refund because of the recall and I suppose I should move on with my life, right? Here's the thing: you put a certain amount of faith in the manufacturers of the food that you put into yours and your family's mouths. You expect that the FDA monitors these things as diligently as they should. With what you put into your baby's mouth, you expect more. You expect CONSTANT monitoring because your baby is so fragile and so susceptible to bacteria and infection. You expect HONESTY from the companies that market to you. You expect the HIGHEST standards of cleanliness and quality. And then you hear something like this:

Abbott announced earlier today that it is voluntarily recalling particular Similac-brand, powder infant formulas in the U.S., Puerto Rico, Guam and some countries in the Caribbean because they may have been tainted by beetles. The company detected the presence of a small common beetle in the product produced in one of its manufacturing facilities. (taken from NJ.com)


Now, my husband, who is less naive and more enlightened than I am, clearly, informed me this weekend that in every factory handling food stuffs, a certain amount of bug activity is allowed and even expected. It's monitored for the most part but there are probably insect parts hidden away in quite a bit of what we eat (can I just say YE-YUCK???) and that it doesn't cause any harm. That's just the way it is. But how is it that so many insects were allowed to just roam free in this Similac plant in Michigan (MICHIGAN, or christ's sake!!!) that there were actually ground up into this baby formula in mass? I mean, it's not like someone opened up a canister of Similac, spotted a beetle and reported it to Abbot and they went, "Hold on a second! We have a problem!" No one knew. But Abbot (the maker of Similac) knew. This was probably an ongoing issue that they were just 'monitoring'. They knew that bugs had gotten into the formula and instead of immediately recalling their product, they more than likely decided to 'wait and see'. Surely it won't actually cause any harm! Not the kind of harm that would make it worth the sort of profit loss that THEY would have to face! Wrong. 


My daughter and my friend's daughter became ill from the tainted Similac but their cases were mild in comparison to the large number of babies who were hospitalized over this. Maybe there will be NO LONG TIME side effects, but to a mom with a sick baby, 4 days feels like a lifetime. And I can't even imagine the pain and worry that the moms with hospitalized children are feeling right now. I don't even want to imagine. 


Similac has had a fairly decent run of it with a good reputation for quality. But enough is enough. Imagine the kind of negligence that went into this. Imagine the big boys in the company twiddling their thumbs before deciding they had to report a problem. I do give them credit for issuing the recall. We probably wouldn't have known what the problem was if they hadn't. But then I remember that they had to have known about this for a while. Ash ingested at least 2 tainted cans. And since one of those was her daycare canister, purchased 2 weeks before her last home canister, it's quite likely that she had at least 3. Maybe more. Considering the massive list of affected lot numbers that have been recalled, these tainted cans have probably been in circulation for at least a month, if not much longer. 


This is not okay. For my part, Ash will NEVER ingest another Similac or Abbot product. If a class action lawsuit is filed (which you know there will be), I will be signing up. But I want to see more. I want to see parents and consumers boycotting Abbot. I want to see a public apology for their negligence. And I want to see them fully admit how severe this recall is. I want to see a full list of lot numbers, a full count of cans, and a total admission of responsibility. I won't get it, I'm sure but I think it's the least they can do. 


My baby girl is feeling so much better and for that I am so, so grateful. But we should have been able to trust that her formula, which is supposed to provide her with the nourishment that I could not provide her with, wouldn't cause her to become so sick in the first place. To all the moms with affected babies, you are in my prayers.